Failure

The human mind is a fascinating thing. Today I started out with good intentions and by this evening I had decided that I did not care enough to fight the temptation to give in. this morning began with a ride on the exercise bike before a shower and breakfast. This evening ended with a large, unscheduled bowl of cereal with both honey and sugar.

Incredibly, as I go on I am less afraid, but also less motivated. I think that this is amazing because I am so much at risk that it is foolish for me to act this way. Actually, as I write this I am starting to get more scared. Perhaps I have simply managed to not think about it. Or perhaps I have not had as many unusual pains in my torso today. Whatever the case, it is a very interesting state of affairs because I am not doing what is rational but it seems to me that I am doing what is human. Perhaps this explains why political leaders need to keep the idea of threat and danger so constant for it to work. Maybe we all need to be reminded often of what it is that is supposed to be motivating us. Who knows? It is worth thinking about.

Malaise

Sometimes this is so bloody hard that I wonder if it is really worth it. Right now I just want to toss it all in and say to hell with it all. I haven’t yet. But I want to. I wander through the day in such a malaise that I cannot get motivated to even exercise when I know it will help me. God I hate myself. I am so depressed that I find it a minor miracle that I am even writing anything. But, even this is self-serving drivel.

Wake up to yourself Laurence!

Fear, Loathing & Corn Flakes

I think about death a great deal and even about suicide. I do wonder if I have what it takes to deal with this thing.

Maybe I do. As I sat here I was eating a bowl of cereal. I should not have been doing that as it is nearly midnight. I have been depressed all evening and I just gave in. I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t care. I just spat the bloody thing out. Damn it. Even if nobody is reading this thing, I am going to be honest here and I am going to make sure I don’t give up. My son needs me, and my wife needs me, and I haven’t done everything I want to do yet.

God damn it. This is hard. Every little pain is another stab of fear. I have to find a way of coping with this.

Packet Soup

The saviour for me recently has been packet soups. They have a low fat and low kilojoule content and so have been OK for me to have as a first course for my evening meal. Today I even had one for lunch. They are not filling, but they are something.

Living In Fear Sucks

I ended up eating some carrots with a (very) small amount of light ricotta cheese and some sweet chilli sauce. I am not sure if this constitutes a slip but if it does it was not a very bad one.

Today has been difficult as I have been feeling quite ill. I finally figured out why this evening. Something the surgeon said to me the other day really spooked me. Well, a lot of what the surgeon said spooked me actually. But one of the things he said was that the Somac that I was on may not have been necessary and that once you are on it you are on it for life. Naturally I leapt to a conclusion and stoped taking it. I guess that was the wrong thing to do.

I really don’t know why it is, but when it comes to all things medical I just start acting like an idiot. I am not saying that I know what I am doing with a anything else, far from it, but when it comes to medicine, I just go to pieces. Living in fear sucks. I am going to have to get a hold of this.

Adjustment

I wonder if I am starting to adjust to eating less as the hunger pains are getting easier to ignore. I am still feeling dizzy and light-headed, but I am finding it easier to soldier on.

Right now I am sorely tempted to just give in and eat out of habit, but I think I can resist temptation. I will let you know tomorrow what happens.

I Wonder

In a few months time I wonder if I will be looking back at this time and my attitude with a sense of righteous indignation. I wonder if I will be feeling superior because I no longer have the cravings for food that obsess me nearly all day long. In a way, I hope so. That would be so much more preferable than this.

I nearly killed myself trying to get up to a steady 10 kph on the exercise bike today. I wonder if it is worth it or if I should be taking things more easily at this stage?

Had friends around for dinner tonight and had a great time. I did not overeat then or now that everyone has gone to bed. I tried having a shake for breakfast but that just left me hungry and dizzy most of the day.